Sheeba & Toni pt.1

Sheeba and Toni

“Sheeba baby, get up I need you to do something for me.”  Stretching I strained to see the alarm clock 6:40 AM! What could be so fucking important? She knows Damn well what time it is in the states…wait shouldn’t she be on a plane on her way home?
            “Baby!” ok so now I’m awake, shocked by the urgent tone in her voice.
             “I’m here, where are you Toni is everything ok?
            “Yeah I missed my plane, I got held up signing autographs leaving the hotel. I need you to call Jazmin and have her book me something leaving first thing tomorrow morning.” Tomorrow morning?  As if reading my mind she continued, “You know I hate multiple connections and the next direct from Madrid to JFK is tomorrow. I can be in Boston by dinner time.  I can’t wait to see you girl, get all your sleep in now because I’ve something special for yo ass.”
            “You do?  Is it something I want or is something I need?” I purred barely over a whisper.  As if Barry White suddenly entered the room Toni’s voiced dropped at least three octaves.
            “It’s what you want baby girl, but I’m going to give it to you the way you need me to give it you long and strong Mami, long and strong.  Ill call in the morning before I board, and make sure there is some food in the house when I get there.”
              I laid back and thought about the last four months, being home alone while Toni balled over seas. You would think after six years together Id be used to her constant traveling abroad, but something was different this time. For the first time I declined to travel with Toni or make it to any of her games. Initially she was heated, called me selfish the whole nine, but she had to understand I was tired of putting my life on hold to support her dreams it was time for me to do me. So I spent the last few months taking some classes, auditioning for roles, working out, and getting my shit off. That’s right I said it, I was getting it in on the regular and didn’t feel bad about it. For years I was faithful, sitting at home waiting on Toni, cleaning for Toni, Traveling with Toni. Sexing Toni when Toni wanted, and for what? A one sided lonely relationship with a self absorbed b list athlete who’d made me cum once in the last two years. When we first met things were wonderful, I was living the lesbian fairytale. I was modeling and promoting a club that had just opened up in the South end when this stud comes in that I hadn’t seen before walks in caught my attention immediately because of her height. She was a 6’2 co- co brown Adonis, Native American and Black she was too smooth and she knew it, which turned me on even more. We exchanged numbers that night and had dinner the next at PF Chang’s, followed by a walk and talk through the Commons. It was on that walk that I learned she was one the top Women basketball players in the country and had played overseas since graduation from Tennessee a few years earlier. She was in town for three days completing a recruiting session with the WNBA. Toni and I were inseparable for then on, we did the lezbo U-Haul run setting up in a nice little spot in JP.  She was eventually drafted to New York Liberty as a power forward, and traveled about 6-7 months of each year, coming back to Boston in the off season. We traveled a lot the first few years and talked about getting married and starting a family, but eventually here comes the groupies, gold diggers, and tricks. It was crazy if they weren’t calling, they were emailing, myspacing, and anything else they could do to get next to her.  Of course she gave me the “Baby its part of the life” speech, “I love you and only you.”  I knew in my heart she was cheating, but I loved her and more importantly I loved my life, so I stayed. Toni was wild in the bedroom; she was passionate and aggressive in her luvin. She would have me damn near delirious each and every time…all the time. Over time all the good luvin became routine and predictable. Lick there suck here, finger flip and done and that was when we were having sex. Shaking my head in disgust just thinking about it I was startled by a way to familiar touch on the small of my back.
            “Sounds like we have time for another few rounds, rolling over on top of her I pressed two fingers over her lips “Shhhh” before she could say another word I hoped out of bed and headed towards the shower, after last nights session a sista needed to get right.
            “I’m jumping in you cuming?” Damn she looked sexy as hell laying on her back with nothing on but a sports bra and some boxers…maybe the shower could wait.
            “Get started I need to check my messages and let my assistant know I’m going to be in late.”
            Stepping into the shower I began to think about how hard it was going to be end things when Toni got back. I mean don’t get me wrong the last few months have been wonderful but at the end of the day I was in love with Toni, and I hoped that the time apart had given both of us a new perspective on our relationship. Maybe we could finally start a family like we talked ab…”What the Hell?” all of the sudden I heard what sounded like an earthquake in the other room. Without thinking I grabbed a towel and ran out of the bathroom to find Toni standing there with Jazmin hemmed up against the wall.  I froze I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, but before I could say anything Toni suddenly turned her attention to me.
“You ungrateful Bitch! Ive been traveling, balling breaking my ass so that we can live this life and you are fucking my agent?
            “Toni its not…”
“Its not what? Not what I think? That’s not our bed? Those aren’t your panties on the floor? I just got off a 8 hour flight took a cab from Logan and came home to surprise your nasty ass and Damn!!! Sheeba how could you do this to me? To us?
            I couldn’t see past the tears that were now flowing down my face, there were no words to make this right.
            “Well at least now you know” Jazmin shouted as if some how she were the victim.
“Jazmin let me handle this, I need you to leave I have to talk to Toni”
            “But what about us Sheeba?”
            “Aint this some shit, not only are you fucking my girl, your stupid ass done got sprung. Listen let me save you both the trouble Jazmin your fired and Sheeba you have 24 hours to get your shit and get out.” Without another word she pushed past me grabbed her suitcase that was still by the door and left. My head was spinning, what was I going to do? Where was I going to go?  More importantly how the fuck was I going to get rid of Jazmin’s pitiful ass?  I sat motionless on the edge of the bed staring out the window as the sun rose over Jamaica Pond; usually such a peaceful view but inside I was terrified of just what madness tomorrow was sure to bring.

Its a thin line

It’s a thin line…

I know it exist because it makes its presence known,
Its proximity is smothering at times.
I assess it often, surveying its every move, but never understanding its true power.
I test its boundaries so often it scares me.
Love conflicts with rage when it comes into play.
The warmness between my legs that race my heart, mirror the rage in my eyes when my emotions rise.

It’s a thin line…

Some embrace its negativity openly, while I decline its invitation to indulge.
For I fully know its intentions are to receive me now and consume me later
Absorbing my every thought while controlling my actions..quietly
I balance this continuum as my burden some days, a rite of passage on others.

It’s a thin line…

Zhade Waters..pt.1

I was running late as usual, and now was not the time! “1415, 17, 19, 23 dam where’s 1421 Columbus?” They were meeting at 2:15 pm and it was 2:32pm and still no luck.  After five weeks of chatting, I was finally meeting LonelyBlues69, my latest cyber buddy.  We seemed to have so much in common, I was a struggling Poet and Blues69 a successful entrepreneur. I was just trying to make ends meet and Blues69 made six figures comfortably.  We were as we say in my Struggling Artist Support group “Financially Yoked”.  Blues69 was more than just successful; Blues69 was confidant, assertive, and sexy as hell.  For a moment on the way over to Bob’s Bistro I thought of Andre and the kids and felt regret.  In many ways I knew the marriage was over before the girls were born, but I stayed because I didn’t know how to leave.  I stayed because I wanted the girls to have what I never did, a father.  Just as I begin to slip into my thoughts I looked up and realized that 1421 was located down an adjacent ally.  The smell of fresh brewed coffee greeted me as I entered the café’s side door.  Looking around cautiously to see I could recognize the face from the photo that was now so familiar to me.  Could it be possible that my cyber buddy left, thinking I was a no show? I was so nervous; what if there was no physical attraction? I was often described as a non-traditional beauty; standing 5‘7 slim at size four.   I had long legs most women would kill for but to me they were
 twig like, something even the gym couldn’t fix. My Seductive eyes, full lips, and cinnamon brown color often drew people into my world.
  “Zhade, is that you?”
  The voice coming from behind me was unmistakable it was Blues69.  I turned around and there “she” was should I shake her hand? Give her a hug? What was appropriate given the circumstances?
“Hello Michelle it’s nice to finally meet you” I walked over and gave her a warm embrace, smelling her cologne as my nose brushed against her neck.
“Likewise” Michelle paused and looked me over from head to toe as a grin appeared across her face.  “What is so funny?” I asked.
“Nothing, you are just even more beautiful in person; that was a look of approval baby.”
Did she just call me baby? It rolled off her tongue like she had been saying it a lifetime.  I remember receiving her note on my personals page, thinking maybe this one is different.  It had been about a year since I started surfing the net, and cruising the bars searching for Ms. All and Everything.  Unfortunately the only women I ever met were either ready to move in after the first date, playas, or wanted nothing to do with me because I was the dreaded “B” word-Bisexual! Michelle and I spend the next four hours discussing everything from current events to my ever-ending quest to balance writing for a living and paying the bills.  She was so different from the more feminine women I was typically attracted to.  Smooth dark brown skin, sexy ultra low natural hair cut, with slanted seductive eyes that created wetness between my legs.  There was something androgynous about her, clearly she was a woman but her boyish swagger gave her an exotic edge.  The more we talked the more intrigued I became, she was intelligent, witty, slightly sarcastic, employed and thick- dam if this wasn’t the distraction I was looking for than what was?  My life had been really chaotic over the last month, and I had some serious tension that needed relieving one way or another. So as I sat across Michelle at the café my mind was working overtime, deciding just how to move things along.
“So Michelle…I was thinking maybe we could have dinner some time?”  Without missing a beat she gave me a devilish grin and said simply,
“We will see my challenge, I have a passion for many things but I’m committed to few.
What did she mean by “My challenge”? She must have read my mind, because Michelle leaned forward with a look that was all business and said “I say my challenge because I know myself and from all that we have talked about in the last month, and spending this time here with you today I feel your desire and commitment to the things in life that you want. I know that if what you want is me then you will make it happen, but at what cost? And because I am who I am, we will feed off of each other in a fucked up game of cat and mouse. Your commitment becomes my challenge, and that challenge makes me weak, because then instead of craving it, I’m addicted to it. “I know it sounds crazy now, but in that moment all I could think was dam she’s fine. It never even crossed my mind that Michelle had just broken it down for me. (YOUR LIFE WITH ME 101). That she told me all I needed to know, about what the next four years of our lives together would look like. At that very moment my phone rang interrupting what should have been my response to everything she just said. It was my daughter Andrea, this was her third time calling.  “Zhade Waters.”
          “Mommy why do you answer your phone like that when you know it’s just me.  Can you stop by the drugstore on the way home and pick me up some body spray?”
          “Andrea I know you are not calling me three times to ask about body spray? Is everything ok? I couldn’t even believe her, ever since turning 15 earlier this year; she has been challenging her limits with me. “Everything fine dad is about to start cooking dinner now. “Dinner! Shit it was almost six. I really needed to get home.
          “Ill see you when I get home Andrea” I could hear my child as I closed the phone saying something about picking up body spray. Kids, I often wondered if they had some sixth sense when you were doing something you weren’t supposed to be doing, as you would when they were up to no good.
“Is everything ok? I was startled by Michelle’s voice, but quickly returned my attention to her as we continued to talk not wanting the date to end, but knowing it would.
“My answer is yes Zhade.”
“Yes? I didn’t ask you anything Michelle.”
“Oh but you did, you said we should do dinner sometime. Now’s the time it’s seven I’m hungry, and you look so good in that dress it deserves to be shown. You can ride with me and Ill bring you back to your car later, or is there somewhere else you have to be???” I knew I should’ve been at home with Andre and the kids’ hours ago, but here is where I wanted to be.
          Grabbing Michelle by the hand I smiled and said “Where else would I want to be?”
On the way to the restaurant as we listened to Maxwell’s greatest hits Michelle was busy checking her voice messages, when I sent Andre a text message telling him I wouldn’t make it home for dinner.   I know sending a text message was inappropriate, but I wasn’t really inn the mood to hear his whining about wanting to spend time with me.  Plus I knew all I had to do was give him a little lovin when I got home, and any issues he was having would be forgotten.  Don’t get me wrong its not that I didn’t love Andre, I did but it wasn’t the type of love that a wife should have for her husband. It was a love of convenience, a love of gratitude, a love of good black man.  My friends constantly told me how much they wished their men were like Andre.  He was 5’10 190lbs with a body that made your panties wet. He played football for the Marines while on active duty and was the type of brother whose dick got hard just thinking about going to the gym. He wasn’t much of a drinker and never smoked or tried illegal drugs a day in his life.  By 36 he had already served two tours in the Marines, owned a small landscaping business, and was married with two children.  Andre was devoted to his family and would do anything for me and the kids.
          “So you ready to eat Lady?”  Michelle said interrupting my thoughts. I looked over at her and smiled as she pulled into an empty parking space. At dinner we talked some more, but this time our conversation was more sensual, provocative even.  It never even dawned on me to that we hadn’t finished our earlier conversation regarding me being her challenge.

Searching...

Looking, hunting, seeking the rib of my being;
Does it exist and without it does my life have meaning?
Many have come and gone. a few have left me longing.
But im searching for reflection and a sense of belonging.
Crystal clear visions of utopia invade my every thought; The visions I see feed my empty heart.
Im searching searching for the improbable..
Searching searching for the impossible…

Still Smoke Free.....Its Possible

So I am still smoke free... and it has not been easy but I am committed to the process.. Things Ive noticed since I quit.. I realize that smoking made me feel isolated, always felt like I was it was my dirty little secret. Its consumed my time in ways i never could imagine.. When I was bored I smoked..When I hungry I smoked...When I was upset I smoked...When I was satisfied :-) I smoked.. Its a cycle of co dependency that left me feeling empty...So now when I'm bored..I read, exercise, organize....when I'm hungry I eat (Yes Ive gained 10lbs) When I'm upset I deal with those emotions without my friend nicotine as a distraction. After good luvin I enjoy the moment... and then I eat...lol Now don't get me wrong "She" still calls my name and tempts me with her promises...But I decline....Ashe